


Thanksgiving Blues

by Active_Imagination



Series: Happy Holidays? [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode S09E08, Gen, Spoilers, Steve Needs a Hug, Talking Therapy, Thanksgiving, episode fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 00:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16671025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Active_Imagination/pseuds/Active_Imagination
Summary: Steve calls Danny after the events of S09E08.





	Thanksgiving Blues

It was 7:36am, New Jersey time, when Danny awoke. Checking the time on his phone, he saw a missed call from Steve, less than a second long, made less than five minutes ago. Still half asleep, Danny tried to ignore it and snuggled into his warm bed. Panic or curiosity finally got the better of him though, (Danny was too tired to figure out which) and he called Steve back.

Steve picked up immediately, and launched into an apology before Danny could even say a word.

“Danny, I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to wake you. Everything is fine here. Well, I mean, Grover almost burned down his house and Lou's brother is going to be working at Kamekona's Italian Bistro. I signed it over. But we decided it was the right call, right? So don't worry about it, buddy. Just enjoy Thanksgiving with your family. --”

“Steve, wait!” Danny finally found his voice just before it seemed like Steve was going to hang up. Steve did as he was told, but there were a few tense moments of silence. Danny could clearly imagine Steve's face, stoic but cracking slightly, his eyes showing an unfathomable amount of exhaustion and anticipation. It drove Danny to speak, even though he still couldn't think of the right thing to say. “Steve, I haven't even had my coffee yet, but I think you just said more words to me than you have in our entire partnership.”

“I'm sorry, Danny.”

“See, that's what I'm talking about!” Danny could almost hear Steve frown, which Danny thought was adorable and heartbreaking. Quintessential Steve, really. “What's going on with you, buddy?”

“I don't know, Danny.” Steve sounded so defeated, so weary, so lost. Not knowing was half the problem, because Steve was never taught how to handle his own feelings and thoughts, just his actions. Steve was feeling guilty for feeling down. “Everything is okay here. I'm sorry to have bothered you.”

“It's no bother, Steve,” That felt important to stress. “Just please, talk to me.” Danny knew he was begging, but he was scared Steve would just clam up otherwise. For a moment, Danny was worried he'd pushed it too far.

“You'd be proud of Tani. The way she whipped your team into shape. She is ruthless.”

“Wait, is that why you're down?”Danny interrupted, unthinking. “Because you lost the Thanksgiving football match?”

“We drew, thank you very much.” Steve was very defensive. Definitely touched a nerve. “But I have SEAL buddies who are less competitive than Tani. She said some pretty mean stuff. Which is fine, I guess, but even my own team noticed Junior was running rings around me.”

“Of course he was, babe.” Danny tried to tread gently, but the more he talked, the louder he got. “He's you, but fifteen years younger, and without all the damage you've taken over the years. Jesus, Steve. I know you think you're invincible, but you're not.” It touched a nerve for Danny too, and there was a heavy silence on the line, but Danny wouldn't apologize for his outburst.

“I just don't know what good I am for the team if I can't even win a football match.” Steve's quiet admission absolutely floored Danny. There were tears in his eyes, and he had to swallow hard to clear the lump in his throat before he could reply, forcing himself to keep his tone light.

“Are you kidding me, right now? It wasn't too long ago that you solved a cold case in your sleep, or have you been hit in the head so many times you've already forgotten that.”

“That's different, Danny. All the evidence was there, I just put it all together, pushed it over the finish line. But how can I protect Junior if he's quicker than me?”

“You let him protect you. It's called being part of a team.”

“No. I can't let him get hurt because I'm slower than him.”

“Really, Steven? You say I'm the fatalistic one.”

“I've seen it happen. Kids with promise, sacrificing themselves to protect guys who shouldn't even be out in the field.”

“But that's not you! One bad game doesn't make you a liability. And even if it did, you adopt liabilities and turn them into assets. You did it with Jerry, with Adam, with Chin, Kono, Lou, Nahele. The list is endless, babe. And remember the tough mudder challenge, when my knee blew out? I know you wanted to speed ahead, but we crossed that finishing line as a team. Remember?”

“I remember, Danny. But that team is gone. It's a bigger team now, and everybody has so much going on. I can't keep track of it all. I don't know how to help them. Jerry seems to have taken Adam under his wing, which is good, because I know he's still hurting over Kono. I've tried talking to Kono, but she isn't answering my calls. Have you spoken to her?”

“Honestly, I haven't even tried.” Danny was aware that made him seem like a terrible friend, but he's learned to let people go to save his own sanity. Steve hasn't learned that lesson. He's lost too many people to ever willingly let anyone go. Danny knows Steve is worried about Kono, and Adam and every other person he's ever met. Steve worries about everybody but himself. “I'm sure she's fine. She's on a mission. You know what that's like.”

“That's why I'm worried. She so focused on her job, she couldn't even be with Adam any more. She is saving so many lives, but she's sacrificing her own. She's surviving, not living. And when you survive just to help people, what happens when you can't do that anymore?”

“You still help people. You help a lot of people, just by being you. I wish you saw that, Steve.”

“I wasn't talking about me.”

“Yeah you were.” Danny takes Steve's silence as an admission.

“... Junior is heading home for Thanksgiving. He's going to try and reconcile with his dad.” There's more silence, although Danny can hear his own heart race and break for Steve. It's such a big issue, for Steve, the relationship with his dad. Danny has no idea what to say, but he doesn't have to. To his surprise, Steve starts talking again. “I believe he can do it. Because Junior is better than me. He can reach out, before it's too late.

Sometimes, I believe I reached out to my dad. That we were on speaking terms, before... before... before that call.” More silence, and Danny just knows Steve is replaying that call in his head, hearing Hesse pull the trigger and knowing his father was dead. “But I'm not sure if I did. I don't know if it's wishful thinking, or the drugs that made me think he was still alive.” Wo Fat certainly did a number on his mind. He may be dead now, but the psychological torture still isn't over.

“I don't know the truth of my own relationship with my dad, Danny. I can't even ask Chin, because he's not here.”

“You could still call him.” Danny's voice cracked, but Steve didn't seem to notice because he answered without a beat.

“I can't call him up. He's with Abby and Sara. He has a family. Miles away from here. His task force is incredible. Chin has earned his happiness. I can't mess that up.” Steve is so sincere. Danny wants to tell him that Steve calling wouldn't mess it up, that Chin would be happy to get a call from Steve. Danny knows Steve won't believe him, though. And that hurts.

“He's still Ohana, Steve.”

“He has a real family now, Danny. And you're with yours. And Junior is going to get his back. Tani has her brother back. Mary has Joan. She is growing up so fast. I never realized time was going by so fast, and now it's making me dizzy.”

“Steve --”

“And have you met Lou's family? I think they give yours a run for your money, in terms of chaos and loudness and life. I tried to give Lou space to be with his family. He almost ended up burning his house down. By the way, Lou's brother is gonna be a chef at Kamekona's Italian Bistro. Did I tell you? I signed the paperwork. We're both officially clear of that restaurant. Are you sure you're not mad at me?”

“That's when you finally take a breath?”

“Well, I asked a question. I really need to hear an answer.”

“You should know the answer, already. I'm not mad at you.”

“You sound mad.”

“I am mad, but not about the restaurant. It's a relief to be out of the restaurant business. I promise you that.”

“Then why are you mad at me? Please don't be mad at me.”

“I'm mad that you think I could be mad at you. I'm mad because I've been gone two minutes and you've already driven yourself crazy. I'm mad because you break your back to help others, but there's no one else you feel you can talk to about this. I'm mad that they could even let you feel like this.” After Danny's rant, he couldn't help but laugh as he pictured Steve's “does not compute face” but it was a sad laugh because he knew Steve really didn't understand.

“It's not their fault. They didn't know. /I/ didn't know.” Of course Steve would defend them. And of course Steve wouldn't know his own private thoughts and feelings without Danny there to pry them out of him.

“But now you do, and you know it's not true, right? You're feeling blue, but your brain's just lying to you.” That's how Steve helped Danny through anxiety. Everybody needs an external perspective, for when their brain is lying to them.

“But it is true, Danny. I'm only going to get older, and sicker, and more useless. And we just signed over a potential future of something different. We just signed that over to Kamekona. How can you not be mad at me?”

“Hey, listen to me, okay. I can't keep repeating myself all the time. Okay, who am I kidding? I will repeat it as many times as it takes for you to hear it. I am NOT mad at you, okay? Yeah, that was one potential future for us, but it was also super stressful and I know you're not passionate about food. I am, though. I think food should be for fun, not just for fuel, and that restaurant took all the fun out of food. So yeah, I'm not sad to see it go.”

“But what about the future? You still want to leave Five-0?”

“Yeah, but I'm not going to leave you there. Part of the reason I wanted to leave was because I couldn't stay and watch you get yourself killed, but you're getting better at that, now. Mostly” Still a few blips, like when Steve's tunnel vision is so narrow he chases a suspect into a sand grinder machine thing.

“I don't want to stay past the point I become a liability and could get someone hurt.” Steve still wasn't worried about dying on the job, but he refused to put others at risk. He missed Danny's point entirely, but Danny was used to that by now.

“You're not there yet, but it's really good you're thinking about the future.”

“I just don't know what I can do, besides being Five-0.”

“There's more to you than that, babe. You gotta know that. You could adopt strays full time, although I think you're already there. You could teach, maybe not wild game hunting to the girl scouts, gotta find the right audience, but I'm sure some kids would love to learn from you. Or, get this, since you're so good at solving cold cases, we could open up a cold case unit back on Oahu. We'd still be partners, just probably get shot at a lot less, and we'd still be serving justice.”

“Justice. I like that.” Steve replied, sounding so wistful. “There wasn't much justice in our last case.”

“Ah. Now I get it. So that's what's keeping you awake. Not the fact you lost the Thanksgiving match.”

“Okay, it was a draw, and we were missing Grover, so yes. I can admit I'm still a little sore over that, but the case we caught...”

“So talk me through it, partner.”

“Right, so we get to the scene and find a thief crushed to death by this massive safe. However, the safe has been drilled into. And a baseball card has been taken. But the jewelry and stuff was left in a bag upstairs.”

“So there were two thieves, but you don't think they were working together.”

“No. we found the guy who stole the card, with some invaluable work from Adam and Jerry. His name is Patrick. He used it to fund a homeless shelter, feeding the hungry on Thanksgiving, because the guy he stole it from reneged on his promise to donate there, because... Danny, he found a better tax dodge. What Patrick did shouldn't even be a crime, but I know the prosecutors are going to try to pin that other death on . They're gonna push for him to get the largest sentence they can, and if he's behind bars, who is going to fight to get food to those that need it most?”

“You are, you just haven't figured out how yet.” Danny knew Steve too well.

“Well, part of my contract in signing over the restaurant was that Kamekona can't throw out any good food. He has to give to it the shelter. He agreed, just to get me to sign, but a contract is a contract. He'll honor it. Unlike Henman, the so-called victim of the theft.”

“You really don't like that guy, do you?”

“It's not fair. One guy died trying to steal so much from him. Patrick only took a baseball card so he could feed the hungry, and he is being prosecuted. He might even go down for murder! Henman could have the charges thrown out, but the money matters more to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he hired the first thief, just so he could claim the insurance.” Danny could tell, Steve had an idea.

“Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he didn't orchestrate the robbery. But I know he's not clean, and I'm going to keep digging until I can take him to court, and find a judge who will transfer his assets to the homeless shelter. Or, if I don't find enough for a court, I'll speak to Mr. Henman personally. Make him realize why he needs to keep donating, more than ever. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Danny repressed a smile. “I think it's incredibly stupid and incredibly sweet. I think it's incredibly you. It's your brand of justice. Feel better now?”

“Yeah, I do. Thanks Danny. I'm going to talk to him right now --”

“Wait, Steve, don't hang up. You can't go to work right now. You need to take a moment. Get some rest. You sound exhausted.”

“I'm fine, Danny.” Steve didn't sound fine. He sounded wrecked. Emotionally, mentally and physically. But that wouldn't stop him. And Danny wasn't there to stop him either. Thankfully, that's when Danny's mom entered his room, without knocking.

“What are you doing up so early, Danny?”

“Ma! Steve's sick, but there's no adults back at the office to make him stay home. Will you speak to him, please, ma?” Danny put the phone on speaker, because Steve was still protesting he was fine, even though he was yawning now.

“Steven, honey, you do sound tired. Why don't you get some rest?”

“I don't want to sleep. Please don't make me sleep.” Danny could never get how Steve could go from being a super SEAL, to sounding just like a scared little kid, in the space of a heartbeat.

“Oh sweetheart. Have you been having bad dreams?” Clara knew that tone, and Danny kicked himself for not realizing it sooner. That's what triggered the phone call. Nothing like a few nightmares and sleep deprivation to make someone talk about their inner feelings. Steve's silence confirmed it. Danny never knew silence to sound so ashamed before.

Thankfully, that's when Charlie shuffled into the room, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“Uncle Steve had a bad dream?” Little kids. They pick up things. But at least it drew Steve out of his silence.

“Yeah, but it's okay, Charlie. It was just a dream. You don't have to be worried.” Of course Steve would be trying to comfort Charlie, but Charlie was too smart for that.

“I am worried, Uncle Steve. I don't want you to be sad or scared when I'm not there to give you a hug. I wish I was there to help you feel better.”

“I feel better just hearing your voice, Charlie.”

“Hey!” Danny yelled, “What about me?”

“I hear your voice all the time. Non-stop. You're always talking.” Steve couldn't continue the teasing without letting his soft side get the best of him “Thank you. But I should let you go. Let you enjoy Thanksgiving with your family. And Charlie, I want you to eat so much that when I see you next, I won't be able to lift you up, okay buddy?”

“Okay, Uncle Steve.” Charlie giggled. “Are you going to get some rest now?” Steve's silence was an obvious no. Thankfully, Charlie understood Steve just as well as his father did, if not better. “Do you want me to read you a story, like you do with me when I have a bad dream?”

“Only if you're sure you don't mind. That sounds nice. Nobody has ever read me a bedtime story before.” Danny mouthed 'never?' to his mom, who looked equally as concerned.

“You can help me finish my Inside Out book. It's about how being sad isn't a bad thing, because everybody needs cheering up sometimes. Right now, sadness is missing. I want to keep reading because she needs to be found. You can help me find her, Uncle Steve.” Charlie asks, taking the phone into his room so he can read from his book. Clara closes the door, before embracing Danny, hugging him tightly as he breaks down a little in her arms.

“Rough way to wake up, huh?” Clara smiles sympathetically, pulling back from the embrace, Danny still sniffling slightly.

“He's hurting, ma. He's been hurt so much, he doesn't even see it. And I'm not there to help him. He helps so many people, but he doesn't even know who he is. All he wants is to help others. How is he even real? How can he be so broken, but so kind?”

“Oh baby boy. I'm so sorry you keep leaving him to come back here. I hate to see you all torn up like this.”

“Don't be sorry, ma. I love coming back home, I love you guys. I really do. Don't ever doubt that.”

“I don't. But sometimes it seems he needs you more than we do.”

“We're not joined at the hip, ma. Some time apart from each other is bound to be healthy, right?”

“Honey, who are you trying to fool here?” She wasn't fooled. Danny was still a little in denial about the codependency of his relationship with Steve. “You should bring him, next time. Save you both a world of pain.”

“I keep trying, ma, but he's always working. He works so people can be with their families. And besides, Hawaii would probably descend into chaos without him there. Actually, it's usually chaos because he's there, but he manages to control the chaos into a win for the good guys. Although he has been feeling a little unnecessary, lately. No idea how needed he is.”

“So, get Charlie to ask him. I doubt Steve could resist that. He adores that kid. And just in case he can, you have my permission to use the Matty card. I lost a son, Danny. But I know I have another one out there who I never see because you always leave him in Hawaii.”

“Ma, you'd be the best parent he's ever had. In fact, /Charlie/ is more of a parent to him than he's used to. I think bringing him here would be a little overwhelming for him.”

“Well, he'll just have to get used to it, dear. He has a family who cares about him right here, and he deserves to know. He deserves to know how thankful we are.” Before Danny could commit or admit to anything, Charlie came back to the room, phone in hand.

“Shhh. Uncle Steve is asleep.” On the line, Danny could hear Steve's deep breathing, slow and even. It was oddly reassuring to hear.

“Good job, buddy.” Danny whispered, fistbumping Charlie. “Now, go clean up, ready for breakfast.” Charlie passed the phone to Danny, then ran off to get dressed. Danny still couldn't bring himself to hang up, and he could feel his mother looking at him with an all-knowing look. “Alright, already, ma! I'll ask him next time.”

“Good boy.” Clara kissed her son on the forehead, and left the room. Danny was left, the phone still in his hand, Steve now snoring softly.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Steve.” Danny whispered, before reluctantly hanging up.

 


End file.
